Family: Thanksgiving 2008

Family

Thanksgiving was something I was looking forward to for a while. I had some vacation time and planned on spending time with my family in East Texas. Excitement had been building as I drove home. I was eager to get the holiday time started with being back home where I knew my mom would be cooking good food, my dad and I would be sitting in the living room talking about life, my Sister, Sarah, would be hanging out with her boyfriend, and my little sister, Catie, would want to cuddle up with someone on the couch. My brother, Nathan, would come over with his girlfriend and two kids. Nathan would be the charismatic and energetic ball of information as the rest of us decide how much of what he is saying is true or just sheer passion driving un-yielded data out of his mouth. He's a character!

My brokenness became apparent to me not too long after arriving. The little quirks that make my family the unique circus show that they are began to eat at my patience. I didn't sleep much while I was home, which may have been one reason that I was so acceptable to agitation.

It's weird how one changes. It's scary that I am becoming less like my parents in some areas and more like them in others. I love my family dearly....but there is a different kind of love that drives those relationships as compared to relationships outside of family. The bottom line is..I was blessed today. I saw most of my biological family today. Many people can't say that this year. I left the blessed day with two very different feelings. I love my family VERY much....but sometimes I'd rather be in Denton. I'm praying through it and trusting that God will tell me what's going on in my heart and my head.

Sisters: Continued....

In regards to my recent post called, "Sisters"

This is much harder than I thought. My initial reaction towards girls are so deeply embedded that I can't help but to immediately concern myself with whether they "like" me or not. I may not even care if they "like" me...I may not even be interested in them in that way. Yet I continue to default my thoughts there. There is a lot in me, when brought to the surface, that I cannot change without the Father. My prayer life has to change in order for me to honor the hearts of those around me.

The Fear of the Lord

I've been thinking a lot about the fear of God lately. I've heard it all my life as I've grown up in church. I remember being in church and hearing that the sermon would be on the fear of God. My first thoughts were, "Good! Because I thought God was someone to feel safe around! The fear of God sounds more like a contradiction that would disprove God rather than solidify the argument for Him. I don't remember anything about the sermons. Maybe I was too young to grasp the concepts, or maybe the pastors were poor communicators. Either way, I decided it must not be that important because no one could explain it and no one wanted to talk about it.

Turns out it is kind of important. In fact, it is paramount to understanding God.

So I sit with my brothers in Christ once a week...and we confess. Many times we confess the same things over and over again. Each week we have things to celebrate and things to consistently throw our hands up and push down our heads for the fact that no one knows how to help. We believe that being apart of an older group of Godly men would help. I've begin to wonder why we think older men would know what to do. I don't know many older men with the depth that I would trust to give me sound advice. I know more acquaintances through church that I trust more than my own dad or family. I believe that being apart of an older group of men will help us tremendously! I can't wait to get involved. My point is that they are not Spiritual Titans just because they have lived longer. The one's who we will seek out for counsel are overflowing of God's grace because they "practice the Fear of the Lord"!

David says Psalm 111:10 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever" This seems to say that God isn't going to just smack us in the head one morning and say, "Happy birthday! Here is some wisdom, understanding, and a dash of fear for good measure! You're welcome!" We have to PRACTICE? I wanted to play piano and learn to read music, but not as much as I didn't want to practice! When I sit down at the piano and look at the music that I can't play, I don't try to play it and get frustrated saying, "Why can't I do this????" I know exactly why I can't do it! I don't care enough to sit there and practice.

I want to stop struggling in some of the areas that war against me. My doubts and lack of faith are simply haunting. Many of my brothers feel the same way about their own lives. However, we don't care enough to do anything about it. Once a week, we say, "God help us this week." Is it absurd or just plain insane to think that this next week will be better for me if I don't seek God? If I'm not saturated in Him....why would I expect to understand Him?

Matthew 7:22 "On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’"

Hebrews 6:4-8"4 For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, 6 and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. 7 For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. 8 But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned."

Maybe this is poor theology. Maybe I'm just a 23 year old with no understanding of these verses. But maybe they don't scare you like they scare me. I'm not saying I live in petrifying fear of God...I'm saying I want to live in an encouraging fear of God. And maybe through fear and trembling I can come to understand what that means. Because if I'm honest.....I have no idea what the Fear of the Lord is. But I know that it scares me into the loving arms of the Father! And that is where I find relentless sanctification and the most beautiful rest I could imagine.

Sisters

I remember watching an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S., in early high school, where Joey was very passionately explaining to "the girls" that no guy pursues a relationship with a girl without wanting sex or hoping for sex one day in the future. He explained that even his relationship to them was initiated on the hope that he could have sex. Turns out they all became very close friends. While F.r.i.e.n.d.s. was not a show that anybody should base standard relationships on, it was certainly the last place to look for sound philosophy. However this statement stands true for many guys out there today.

This thought that men can only invest in women for physical pleasure or advanced prestige among their peers has even bled into the church structure. We call it dating. It looks a little different in the church than it does out in the secular world, but not by much. We, as the church, have historically drawn the line at "making-out". Anything past that is undeniable sin. Some liberal groups would say that if you can make-out without lusting in your heart your doing just fine. The problem is that Christians have defined what God calls dating without ever using the Bible. When you look up in the concordance for the word, "dating"....you always close the book with disappointment as it never has advice on the issue. The Bible simply does not have advice on relationships before marriage.

I'm not a fan of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", as it was written by a guy who was given the gift of marriage pretty early in his life. I'm glad it worked for him, but it is not a universal "formula" that cures the sickness of loneliness. It has some great truths in the book, but cannot be taken as The Way to Get a Wife.

God and I have a pretty good relationship. Some days He satisfies all my loneliness problems without a fight and other days my emotions war against my faith. The battle for "present contentment" in someone who is called to marry is a hard battle. Many of the battle scars and unattended wounds will carry into the future marriage and quite possibly scar some people on the way. The way the church has taught dating thus far has been vague and lax.

I say all that in order to wonder "out loud"....what is dating anyway? The world says it's sparks and fireworks. It's trying to find the magic kiss that awakens the sleeping beauty and turns the ugly frog into a valiant prince. It's the search for the one person who brings perpetual bliss and unyielding passion. It's the voyage to the utopia of relationships. The Church has historically agreed....at least they have never argued against it. The world and the Church have disagreed on how to obtain those things within a relationship, but have never disagreed that total happiness is what it is all about.

The Apostle Paul calls marriage "The Great Mystery". We find that the Bible outlines marriage as a paradox of selfless service. The husband is to submit his life to serving his wife and she is to submit her life to serving her husband. Marriage is quite the dichotomy when adjacent to Dating. Dating has been all about finding my needs...and hoping that my needs being filled work well with what I have to offer her.

What if Joey was not correct in his assumption. What if men could in fact treat women as a sister rather than a brother. My good friend Michael Luna and I were brainstorming on this thing called dating. He eventually tossed his palms into the air and said, "I just don't know! I guess you should just learn how to love them as sisters. Learn how to serve them in that way first." In his desperation of giving up, he may have hit a key point!

What if we treated women as sisters? They might take it wrong at first...because most men take Joey's philosophy. What if we learned how to serve them without the intention of anything more than a great friendship? What if we actually practiced for marriage by serving, rather than consuming? I'm not pretending that this is the Universal Formula....there are plenty of guys who could take this idea and really mess it up. This has the potential to destroy a girl's ability to trust in men. The only way to do this and it benefit everyone is to have an extremely strict accountability. Maybe this is one reason God designed us for community.

This is the longest post in the world....so I'm going to stop here and pick it back up later in life. :)

"God, help me understand how to serve my sisters in ways that honor them rather than objectify them. Do I fear You enough to understand You when You speak? Help me Father...I am completely lost in how to approach this."

Loving People Who Hate People

I was at work yesterday and a lady came to to sit with me as I took incoming calls. She was a tenured representative and she really knows her stuff. I had sat with her a few times in the past few months and each time I left the situation wondering how someone could be so cynical. She was a little harsh on me as a new employee but much worse about the clients.

She will sit back and poke fun at their hardship situations, assuring me that some day I won't care about them either. She will make malicious comments about the customer's account balance, race, age, sex, and anything else that might get brought to her attention. I'm having a really hard time showing love and grace to this person. Honestly I don't like her at all. However, I know that God desires all to come to Him(I Timothy 2:4)...which means that God loves this lady. The creator of the infinite universe and the taste of apple pie...He loves her.

I think about Saul before he became Paul. I would imagine that if I lived during the time of his tyranny towards Christians that I would have trouble loving him as well. Then I think about how God called him to do so many great things. Reading Paul's story, you can't help but love him. I guess I need to "read" the lady's story at work. Maybe she is just in the Saul stage of life.

I'm going to start praying for her. I'm going to start finding new ways to live missionally towards her.

Invisible Children and Invisible Thoughts

I've heard about Invisible Children before. The Documentary has been around for a while now, and in the circle of people I hang around, it's hard not to hear about it.

When I heard about what was going on in Uganda, I was shocked! I hated that kids were getting abducted and I was glad there was somebody working on getting the problem out to the world.

It's been a few years now since I've heard about that war. Life continued on.

This morning I watched the documentary for the 1st time. I can't tell you how many things really merit a 'note' all for themselves. There are tons of things to talk about from the film. The film evokes questions, emotions, passions, and actions!

I hear these kids talk about fear that I've never experienced. I don't cry often...I may have an emotional inability to cry in death situations and severe break up situations. As the film fades I find my self wiping more tears away than I've cried in the last 10 years.

The tears were for a two main reasons. (1)These are kids...who aren't kids at all. They are people horrifically bullied by other people who were once in the same dark, wet, hiding place shivering, for fear that they would be abducted. (2) If I turn around...away from my computer screen to scan my room....I may forget. And in this moment, that thought is unbearable.

Then, in the documentary, a young boy fades in. He asks the camera man, "Do you think if you go there that you will not forget about us?" The boy wouldn't look up into the camera man's eyes for more than a moment. As if it weren't him who was invisible...as if it weren't the thousands of children sleeping in hiding places that were invisible...as if it weren't those who had already been abducted and brainwashed that were invisible...but as if the help promised was invisible.

How do we keep from forgetting? How do we war against invisible thoughts that lead to no action?

Who do I love more than me?

The last chapter of Jonah has really gotten me thinking about how I look at certain people. I've found out that there are pieces of me that would rather love on myself more than love on others.

I've too long lived in the shade. It's time to engage. Whatever that means!

I want to want......?

It's funny how passionate someone can be about something, and how quickly they can become more passionate about something else in an instant.

God's design is confusing at times. The "heart" is a major communicator to the mind...and yet it has become so deceitful. So while making decisions and living life, how can I not be on my face pleading with God to show me what is righteous? How can I so easily forget that wisdom and understanding begin with the fear of the Lord? Some days/moments I simply do not want Him enough. I want to want Him, and that makes no logical since at all. Without Him pursuing me, I'm not pursuing Him. God is good. I want to want Him.

Inner Chaos and Silent Wrestling

It's odd that parts of life seem to go in cycles no matter how horrific the cycle. When I think of what my future looks like, I tend to view it as linear. Life seems like a path that presents itself in further detail after each step. You may turn your head to see where you've been, but you can never go back to where you were. However this imagery always moves you forward.

Lately, it seems that parts if me have moved forward, other parts have stayed the same, and the rest is too busy looking back that I have no idea where I'm headed. Now, all of a sudden, the path not only has hills, mountains, and valleys...but parts of me are re-entering the exact same path I have already taken, while other parts of me are embarking on new adventures. Life is no longer a simple linear path, but a complicated weaved assortments of successes and failures. Each of which should be able to move us forward.

But "forward" is hard in some instances. It means I have to let go. Pride, fear, and regret each fuel many of my desires and greatly hinder them all at the same time. In the end, there are areas of my life where I do not live in the freedom of Christ's redemption.

Assuming that a "path" is too simple of an analogy; What is the course God has set for me? Why do I feel like I'm railing against it? Why do I feel like Jephthah more often than I feel like Joshua(the biblical character...not me)? Why do I feel like my soul is being churned over and over again and I can't define it's direction. It's like watching a wrestling match with no sound, no lights, and no idea who should win.

In the words of Homer Simpson..."Doh!"

I was hanging out with Jacob the other night, and after a grueling match of racquetball we began to talk about our church and how we think home-groups were intended to be. I'm not sure how this conversation lead to the subject of election...but it did. We began to search the scriptures to prove certain sides of the debate. I landed on a more Armenian view while he leaned closer to a Calvinist view.

My biggest concern was the fact that most of the Bible God was either pleading with the people of the bible to do life right, or disciplining them when they did it wrong. There is a ton of "if" statements generously sprinkled throughout the New Testament in regards to those are saved and those who aren't. "If" sounds an awful lot like a choice to me.

Then we found out an interesting fact. We proved through scripture that God was outside of time. Only a being not confined by time can enter it, leave, and watch it all at the same instant. Which proves that He is Omnipresent.

That fact set me up for the most important discovery of the evening. The word According used in the New Testament in regards to salvation, (John and Romans) in the Greek translates to **to cause**. Which in the texts of the Sacred Scripture, it is seemingly clear that those did not have a choice. The "If" statements were not "If you choose..." They were simply, "If you have the Spirit...or If you don't have the Spirit..."

WOW! How did I miss this?

Pride: The Dust That Fills My Soul

A little over a year ago I began to deal with my pride on a deeper level than I ever have before. There were dark places in me that had not yet been revealed and may not have been revealed if it weren't for a dark time in my life.

It is disheartening sometimes when you don't want to be a certain way, but you find yourself struggling with it anyway. When the moment reveals those deep struggles it kicks up dust in your soul. It makes you sneeze and cough violently in a desperate attempt to kick it out of your system. It hurts and sometimes creates rage, but when the dust settles and your heart rate begins to slow down; all of a sudden, you find yourself in rest. I found a part of my soul in that rest after struggling with some outward pride issues.

I see some more dust getting kicked up as inward pride issues are being brought to the surface. I see dust getting kicked up over subtle lust issues that I didn't know I had.
I see dust getting kicked up over fear of failure.

I need prayer as the dust fills my nostrils and dips into my lungs. I want to kick this out of my system. But right now I don't know exactly how, nor do I know how much this will hurt. But I look forward to the day when the dust settles and I can rest in the fact that God has taken care of it.