I want to want......?

It's funny how passionate someone can be about something, and how quickly they can become more passionate about something else in an instant.

God's design is confusing at times. The "heart" is a major communicator to the mind...and yet it has become so deceitful. So while making decisions and living life, how can I not be on my face pleading with God to show me what is righteous? How can I so easily forget that wisdom and understanding begin with the fear of the Lord? Some days/moments I simply do not want Him enough. I want to want Him, and that makes no logical since at all. Without Him pursuing me, I'm not pursuing Him. God is good. I want to want Him.

Inner Chaos and Silent Wrestling

It's odd that parts of life seem to go in cycles no matter how horrific the cycle. When I think of what my future looks like, I tend to view it as linear. Life seems like a path that presents itself in further detail after each step. You may turn your head to see where you've been, but you can never go back to where you were. However this imagery always moves you forward.

Lately, it seems that parts if me have moved forward, other parts have stayed the same, and the rest is too busy looking back that I have no idea where I'm headed. Now, all of a sudden, the path not only has hills, mountains, and valleys...but parts of me are re-entering the exact same path I have already taken, while other parts of me are embarking on new adventures. Life is no longer a simple linear path, but a complicated weaved assortments of successes and failures. Each of which should be able to move us forward.

But "forward" is hard in some instances. It means I have to let go. Pride, fear, and regret each fuel many of my desires and greatly hinder them all at the same time. In the end, there are areas of my life where I do not live in the freedom of Christ's redemption.

Assuming that a "path" is too simple of an analogy; What is the course God has set for me? Why do I feel like I'm railing against it? Why do I feel like Jephthah more often than I feel like Joshua(the biblical character...not me)? Why do I feel like my soul is being churned over and over again and I can't define it's direction. It's like watching a wrestling match with no sound, no lights, and no idea who should win.

In the words of Homer Simpson..."Doh!"

I was hanging out with Jacob the other night, and after a grueling match of racquetball we began to talk about our church and how we think home-groups were intended to be. I'm not sure how this conversation lead to the subject of election...but it did. We began to search the scriptures to prove certain sides of the debate. I landed on a more Armenian view while he leaned closer to a Calvinist view.

My biggest concern was the fact that most of the Bible God was either pleading with the people of the bible to do life right, or disciplining them when they did it wrong. There is a ton of "if" statements generously sprinkled throughout the New Testament in regards to those are saved and those who aren't. "If" sounds an awful lot like a choice to me.

Then we found out an interesting fact. We proved through scripture that God was outside of time. Only a being not confined by time can enter it, leave, and watch it all at the same instant. Which proves that He is Omnipresent.

That fact set me up for the most important discovery of the evening. The word According used in the New Testament in regards to salvation, (John and Romans) in the Greek translates to **to cause**. Which in the texts of the Sacred Scripture, it is seemingly clear that those did not have a choice. The "If" statements were not "If you choose..." They were simply, "If you have the Spirit...or If you don't have the Spirit..."

WOW! How did I miss this?

Pride: The Dust That Fills My Soul

A little over a year ago I began to deal with my pride on a deeper level than I ever have before. There were dark places in me that had not yet been revealed and may not have been revealed if it weren't for a dark time in my life.

It is disheartening sometimes when you don't want to be a certain way, but you find yourself struggling with it anyway. When the moment reveals those deep struggles it kicks up dust in your soul. It makes you sneeze and cough violently in a desperate attempt to kick it out of your system. It hurts and sometimes creates rage, but when the dust settles and your heart rate begins to slow down; all of a sudden, you find yourself in rest. I found a part of my soul in that rest after struggling with some outward pride issues.

I see some more dust getting kicked up as inward pride issues are being brought to the surface. I see dust getting kicked up over subtle lust issues that I didn't know I had.
I see dust getting kicked up over fear of failure.

I need prayer as the dust fills my nostrils and dips into my lungs. I want to kick this out of my system. But right now I don't know exactly how, nor do I know how much this will hurt. But I look forward to the day when the dust settles and I can rest in the fact that God has taken care of it.